Be. Do. Live. Love.

Therapy means different things for different people at different times in their lives. I’ve opened up about my brokenness in therapy. It wasn’t easy. Although, there’s a feeling of release that comes with sharing what broke you when you know it won’t be met with judgement.

My latest guest post on Abernathy Magazine scratched the surface of what happened in that session a few months ago.

paulo-coelho-quote

That being said – this will be my last post on WordPress for awhile.

I’ve always said I’d shut down 30s and Beyond once I got married. The simplified reason for it then was 2-fold: writing takes up a lot of time. Secondly, the vast majority of readers don’t come on the internet to read the good stuff. I mean, videos of proposals, weddings, and baby announcements go viral. However, beyond that, I don’t think people care much to read about the happy stages of life and living. That’s what Instagram is for. The last few days though, my decision shifted to being solely about the present.

I’ve gone back and forth on this decision for awhile now. I had a reader send me an email to remind me that ever so often, something I write is good in the sense of it helps someone in a way I wasn’t even considering when I wrote it. My choice finally became clear this week. I attended a church service last month where I got honest about a tough subject in my life. I’m not an alcoholic but I’ve had issues with alcohol. Nothing made me feel more isolated than the brokenness I pretended didn’t exist. Hearing a man of God speak openly about his struggles helped me be more accepting of mine. I realized in the service that we’re all broken in some form or fashion. That healing comes through your spiritual relationship.

We’ve all endured something in life that left us damaged. Some damage – whether physical or emotional – is capable of being reversed. For the lucky ones, the effects may never manifest. It’s normal to want to be freed from the anchors of our past. I can’t change the events that broke me. But I’m in a place where I’m no longer ashamed of them.

Writing has helped me be more pragmatic in how I address those parts of my life. In a way, writing has been like therapy without having to cut a check. I sometimes didn’t know how I felt about an event or idea until I fleshed it on in a WordPress tab. If my words and perspective helped a random stranger, cool.

For example, the post I did about grooming gave me a vantage point to examine how something simple as shaving wasn’t just about shaving. Through it, I acknowledged issues with my own self-esteem. Having low-self esteem isn’t a problem associated with men. But the fact is I have days where I hate my skin. Some of the tattoos I have were done to cover up permanent marks. I was able to unpack some of those feelings because of an idea from my editor. It’s funny how the pain you try to ignore can become a powerful muse.


 

mari-evansI look ahead to my future. I’m putting myself out there because I want to settle down and do all that comes with it. When the time is right, I’ll be open about seeing a therapist. I won’t downplay insecurities that sometimes pop up. Whomever enters my life will choose to stick around because they know about the ugly, imperfect scars and still think I’m a good person.

For now, there’s a vacancy in my heart; except it’s not a lonely, depressed void that’s previously taken root. It’s kinda like when an old building gets demolished. Once the debris has cleared, you’re left with a barren piece of land. In that emptiness, there’s renewal. There’s a place to visualize where something dope can be rebuilt. I think of my life that way.

With graduation coming up and other life changes going on, a writing break is required. The time away will free me up to have new experiences. If I do come back to this blog, I hope to have some great stuff to share. It’s important for us to dedicate our energies on living and doing and less thinking. (You can still follow my freelance writing on GMP, Medium, and occasionally BMWK)

There’s a record by Common called “Love Is…” that appropriately embodies where I am.

As men we were taught to hold it in

That’s why we don’t know how ’til we’re older men

If love is a place I’ma go again

At least now, now I know to go within.

 

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6 comments

  1. So sad to hear that you will no longer be maintaining this site. Although I don’t comment often, I do read you writings and it has helped me with some tho he I’ve been dealing with. Good luck with graduation and wherever life takes you. Remember to always keep Christ first.

    1. I’m humbled Kay…I appreciate the support and I’m glad that words I shared made any impact on you…thank you

  2. Thank you for your May 28th post on the good men project page under the 100 words of love section. It helped my blue mood. This is my first time on your page and it seems that you have embarked upon a journey. May God grant you what you desire.

    Trina

    1. Thank you for visiting my site, Trina. I’m glad that that piece lifted you up. I have embarked on a journey that I’ve shared a lot about here. Have a look around the archives and make sure to subscribe.

  3. This is so sad to hear. I read BMWK every morning and just ran across your name which lead me to your blog. This is sucah a great post! Although I just discovered your writings, I am excited to catch up on things and wish you all the best on your future endeavors.

    1. Thank you for the read and support, Britt! I do have plans to return soon, so be sure to become a subscriber to check out new posts. Happy Holidays!

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