Day 200 of 365 [The Last Birthday Post]

What are you prepared to do?

What are you currently doing?

What have you already done?

As I woke up to write my birthday post this morning, I posed these questions to myself. It hit me like a wrecking ball last night about what happened the last time I was in LI. So it feels poetic in a way to be celebrating life out here. I considered where I am and where I intend to go. I looked at my responsibilities and how I prioritize things.

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I used to think about how the universe plays a part in the way our lives go. You know the sayings – trust the timing of your life, people come into your life to be blessings or lessons, etc etc. I remember the Dalai Lama quote about how not getting what you want is sometimes the best stroke of luck. That applies in certain situations. However, the purpose in free will is that we are the sum of our choices. We’re free to change what we don’t like and make adjustments accordingly.

A few months ago, I wrote about bucket lists. The daily reminder that being black means being one encounter away from being a hashtag has changed my mind about that. As I look back on the first half of my life and think about the possibilities in my future, I’m honestly like a f*ck a bucket list!

The fact of life is there’s no perfect time or perfect situation in which you’re going to be 100% happy. For years, I was chasing something I wasn’t going to find. As I discussed on a more intimate level, happiness demands something from you. For some people, it’s patience. They have to wait their turn. I’ve gotten confirmation to wait on specific decisions. Yet often I wonder how long am I supposed to wait? What if I’m wasting my best years in the waiting room? I realize now that I can still live and enjoy life while waiting for the things I’ve prayed for.

I don’t want the type of happiness where I have to choose between this or that. I don’t want a feeling that isn’t under my control. I don’t want an emotion that’s only relevant when things are going well. I made the decision to create the environment and life I want by what’s in front of me. I’m committed to me.

What I’ve done – I became the person who hurt me. I hurt others. Some have forgiven me. Some never will. I’ve accepted that. What I’ve also done is found my way back to God. It’s a relationship that’s constantly evolving. I have moments of weakness like any other struggling Christian. What I do know is that God has a purpose for me and my life. I intend to right my wrongs by leaving a legacy that’s bigger than any single thing I’ve done.

What I’m currently doing – Moving forward. Simple enough. I’m not chasing youthful dreams. Sometimes that does more harm before it ever does any good. I’m doing what I love and that’s what matters. I’m teaching myself the Bible. As an adult, I’m fascinated by certain figures in the Bible. I want to know more than just the basics. I’ve found a church that I look forward to attending.

What I’m prepared to do – Save up more money for the down payment on a spot, graduate in December, and visit at least two more countries by the end of the year. I’m also prepared to keep working on my writing. Ideally, I want to have 3 features out every month. My bucket list is still important to me. But I’m choosing to find dopeness in doing something new and exciting as often as I can. I’m throwing away the idea of a timeline to check things off some arbitrary wish list.

With 165 years left in 2015, the major goal I’m anxious about is buying a house. I’ve prayed about it. I met a new realtor who listens to my concerns. I’ve remained patient. I thought I wanted one thing, but this new realtor helped me think beyond a simple high/low budget. Now, I have better options to look at. I hope in the next few months, I’ll have made the decision to put an offer out. One thing I have done right is I’ve never lived beyond my means. I’m big on having exactly what I need and half of what I want.

This second half of my life is going to be full of joy because I know I deserve it. Everybody does. Waiting can be its own reward. I’m ready to start winning.

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