I remember the first time I mentioned choking during sex with my girl. She referred me to some post about how there’s certain types of sex men have based on love and respect. The basic premise was that you make love to the woman you love and do all the nasty stuff with the h0s. It was undoubtedly one of the dumbest, most misogynistic posts I’ve ever read. Now to preface what I’m about say – being a freak is subjective. I think for the most part, black people are fairly tame on the freak spectrum. However, women seem to be relegated to the way lower end for reasons that aren’t entirely theirs.
Our patriarchal society imposes such limits on a woman’s sexuality that it’s no wonder many of them go unfulfilled. When I wrote a post last year about how much sex is needed in a marriage, the estimated statistic of how many sexless marriages there are was shocking. The explanations for that are enumerous. But it begs the questions how many women are going on about relationships accepting the bare minimum sexually because they don’t feel comfortable with their partner to be honest about their inner freak?
I thought about this a lot when my iPod re-visited Beyonce’s “Rocket”. In it, she describes a very intimate, maybe even risque, act:
And wash me over until my well runs dry
Send all your sins all over me, babe, me, babe, me
Music is always up for interpretation. But it sounds an awful lot like B’s is talking about taking baby shots on her skin. The same entertainer who was once viewed as demure and robotic is singing about facials. Why? Because maybe that’s what she and Hov are into. And you know what? That is perfectly okay!
Men are complicated when it comes to handling and accepting a woman’s sexuality. You want a woman to be sexy but not overtly sexy. You don’t want a virgin but you don’t want to be with one who’s been promiscuous. You want to try all these different positions and what you see in porn but you don’t want your lady to feel disrespected. We have to stop having these hang ups that good girls can’t be freaks. As a matter of fact, women have to understand that freak isn’t pejorative when it’s coming from a man who has established that respect.
I’ve discussed many things with my girl that I’m interested in trying with her. She’s shared what she’s interested in as well. Just as we communicate about future goals and our relationship with God, we can openly talk about what we want sexually. When it comes to relationships, sexual compatibility is extremely important. You’re lying to yourself if you think otherwise. When people cheat solely for sexual reasons, it’s because they aren’t being sexually satisfied by their main partner. More often than not, it’s because their sexual appetite and penchant for things outside of the norm are too much for their partner to handle. Rather than find the right person who can fit that need, they resort to dishonesty and infidelity. For that reason, sexual attraction and compatibility should rank high on your list of requirements. So what about when you’re already in the relationship?
I’m a firm believer that a woman will do anything “nasty” you ask her to do if she feels safe and secure with you. I know this because we have a trust outside of the bedroom, she’s willing to explore it. I give her the confidence to know that whatever is on her mind sexually, we can discuss it and there will be no judgement from me. When’s the last time your girl sent you a nude? Or text you something lusty during work hours? If you’re doing your job as a man, the answer to that should be easy to call to memory. When it relates to a woman’s sexuality and letting her be the freak she wants to be, you have to assure her that she alone yields that power and you’re just along for the ride. Literally.