Women Need To Be Quiet Sometimes

It’s no secret that the relationship/dating niche of the blogosphere is dominated by women ranging from 21-40 years old. Discernibly the comment sections are populated with women from various backgrounds. Women from Ghana and the Phillipines to the picturesque streets of suburban DC e-meet daily to engage in what they consider is healthy discourse about the inner workings of relationships.

About 3 months ago, renowned matchmaker Paul C. Brunson held a twitter chat to promote his new book, It’s Complicated. The stream was basically an open forum for guys across the country to talk about what guys talks about; women and the misconceptions they have about us. Now at the top of the hour, Brunson specifically asked the ladies to not chime in until we were done. For the most part, the ladies obliged. But they were salivating at the chance to pounce, ridicule, and over-analyze the tweets in the hash tag. There were even some pseudo-feminists and panty-panderers who had their own opinions about the questions Brunson asked and some of the responses that were given. It touched a deep enough nerve that a post over on Clutch Magazine surfaced in which the author took issue with the fact that the women were asked to fall out until the conversation was over. The only thing I agreed with in her article is the concluding statement “But the only real way to have a strong relationship is to mutually define it with your current partner.”

On Monday, a question was posed on the SBM FB page that tends to be a very polarizing topic in black relationships exclusively – Fellas: Is a woman’s ability to cook still of importance for marriage? The admins have since deactivated the wall so I can’t comment on what the feedback was. However, from tweets, this was clearly another ocassion where women were meant to be just spectators yet they couldn’t help but to over-talk us.

We’re back to this again

There’s a clear pattern here that’s neither productive nor functional. Women feel like since they’ve fought for inclusion in every aspect of society so they have to fight their way into virtual conversations that are designated for men only too. I see it happen all the time on popular blogs — an author will write something that, for all intents and purposes, men of a similar type agree with. Yet women will deflect and internalize the post. I’ve even go so far as to see the author be personally attacked. Women want to be heard, I get it. However, they also need to know when their opinions/thoughts on a subject are not needed.

I’ve said it constantly; you can’t have it both ways. You can’t say you want to understand how a man’s mind works and how we act on said thoughts, but then proceed to tell us what we should do and how we should think.

In the grand scheme of things, I think it’s silly for women to get so up in arms about the opinions of men whom they’ll never meet or even care to date. There’s too many other stressors in every day life for you to be worked up over something that doesn’t apply to you.

Is there a “right” way to approach dialogue between men and women? Do women in general just not listen to the words that come out of a man’s mouth regarding his feelings?



  1. You know what? I’m an offender. I would get really involved in comments and response and all that jazz. The main reason behind the reaction? I failed to understand how men could be so careless. They just say whatever they want, pie in the sky, all ideals everything, and women just have to take it. And take it, until it becomes fact. Until it’s the tradition, demands creating a baseline. You just get tired: get tired of hearing it, of reading it, or internalize how yet again you’re not good enough. Or that you meet all the criteria and yet you’re still single. So you go back to the pattern of seeking the thoughts of your oppressor, asking his opinion on age-old debates, breath held in hopes his opinion will change. Now I’ve accepted the fact that every statement has a trail of sputtering “buts”.

  2. Wooooo buddy! Man. I JUST had a similar discussion with my wife. In so many words, it was basically sometimes, you just need to shut. The. H€¡¡. Up. The reasons were pretty much similar as well. Knowing when to hold v. fold can do wonders.

    1. Exactly! Not everything needs to be debated or discussed, especially in the virtual world. I also say never argue your opinion or preferences. State them and move along

  3. Man. You know how I feel about it all!! And as Darrk said – we gotta know when to fold ’em and when to hold ’em. It’s important. There is a time to say something and a time to be quiet. Loved the “pie in the sky” juslissen talks about too!! For me, I have learned when I observe and listen without comment it can be more powerful than when I jump in. When I interrupt it stops men in their tracks. Some people may not agree and that’s fine, but it’s about understanding and communication. Loved the post! So glad you wrote it!

    1. I think it comes down to women understanding that not everything is about “You”. Listening 1 part talking, 1 part being silent. There’s alot you can learn from a person when you’re actively listening, as opposed to just mentally putting together a rebuttal.

  4. I think this is well written and RIGHT!!! I know the title is going to offend some people and there may be a few replies based off of that alone and not an actual comprehension of what’s being said which is unfortunate. Women can’t ask in one breath for us to give them insight into the mind of men then scold us when they don’t like what they hear. It’s sad because so much could be gained from just listening as opposed to trying to create an alternate reality where everyone conforms to what we think.

    1. Thanks for reading! Yeah titling posts are always tough b/c you can’t predict its reception. But we could progress from the lesser components of relationships and dating (cooking, $200 dates, sex on the 1st night, etc) if we learned to accept that our actions are just that – OURS. You do what works for you/your belief system, but at least be open to others’ perspective.

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