“You don’t prove you’re tough by shutting me out
You ain’t living alone
But that’s the way you carry it
It’s dead, so you just bury it
It still hurts, we don’t work
And here I am just bearing it all”
Just as men want to fix whatever pressing concerns their lady love has, a woman wants to help. Or feel like she’s helping. But for decades, women have been trying to infiltrate the impenetrable layers that can have their man looking like a familiar stranger.
I picked the Melanie Fiona joint for the basis of this post, primarily because
it’s a No ID track and he can do no wrong she’s saying what women vocalize every day in a manner that’s rarely as eloquent. For some, they try the direct approach; “why don’t you talk to me?”, “what do you have to hide?”, “why are you so prideful?”. There’s a unconscious mechanism that kicks in where a woman in a monogamous relationship is sharing intimate details of her life and her past with the expectation of reciprocity. When that is absent, it immediately gets internalized as something is wrong. For others, they approach it as an interrogation. They put on a Jack McCoy poker face and figure out how to get information without appearing to chase the information. As men have gotten hip to the latter tactic, some of us have perfected the art of deflection.
I’m a former deflector. To some certain extent, I still do it just not as recklessly. The empirical truth is a man’s layers exclusively exist as residue from Girlfriend Zero. Girlfriend Zero is the bar in a man’s romantic past. She’s the 1st significant woman that had us wide the f*ck open! We shared secrets, maybe cried, and went raw on a prayer with her. She knows the essence of who we are. We willingly let her in with the intent that she’d be around forever. Alas, she left us battered and emotionally bruised and we put it in a box. We just unintentionally punished the next girlfriend, and the next, never explaining the retreat.
Here’s some hope for women that are dealing with a guy and his blockade; him being closed off is in correlation with how serious he takes you and his relationship with you. Some women tend to be like fools rush in. They feel that tingle when he looks them in their optic nerve and attach a forehead kiss to sound intimacy. They’re further conditioned to express themselves and are more equipped to communicate matters of the heart. Guys aren’t that deep. In fact, to our credit, guys are far more simple in matters of the heart. A man’s love is never complicated. Our purest love is connected to our actions and our respect for you. The payoff is that vulnerability becomes less of a compelling fear. In my experience, you counter a man’s hesitancy with patience. If the natural progression is him consciously choosing to commit long-term, then peeling back his layers will come to be second nature.
If you’re unlucky enough to deal with a really good guy who just had a sh!tty Girlfriend Zero, don’t take his lack of emotional resilience personal. It’s 1 of those things where you may have to do a cost-benefit analysis. If he has more than enough redeeming qualities, tell yourself it does get better and you’ll occupy his heart eventually. And if you are/were a Girlfriend Zero who left a guy wallowing
on his ratty ass couch from college, just know there’s a gang of women wishing a plague of locusts on you. I’m kidding…..sort of.
Do you think a man’s layers are hard to get through? Have you ever been a Girlfriend Zero? If you were the woman after Girlfriend Zero, how did you handle your man’s emotional distance?