Love And Dealing With A Man’s Layers

“You don’t prove you’re tough by shutting me out
You ain’t living alone
But that’s the way you carry it
It’s dead, so you just bury it
It still hurts, we don’t work
And here I am just bearing it all”

Just as men want to fix whatever pressing concerns their lady love has, a woman wants to help. Or feel  like she’s helping. But for decades, women have been trying to infiltrate the impenetrable layers that can have their man looking like a familiar stranger.

I picked the Melanie Fiona joint for the basis of this post, primarily because it’s a No ID track and he can do no wrong  she’s saying what women vocalize every day in a manner that’s rarely as eloquent. For some, they try the direct approach; “why don’t you talk to me?”, “what do you have to hide?”, “why are you so prideful?”. There’s a unconscious mechanism that kicks in where a woman in a monogamous relationship is sharing intimate details of her life and her past with the expectation of reciprocity. When that is absent, it immediately gets internalized as something is wrong. For others, they approach it as an interrogation. They put on a Jack McCoy poker face and figure out how to get information without appearing to chase the information. As men have gotten hip to the latter tactic, some of us have perfected the art of deflection.

I answered your probing question with a question

I’m a former deflector. To some certain extent, I still do it just not as recklessly. The empirical truth is a man’s layers exclusively exist as residue from Girlfriend Zero. Girlfriend Zero is the bar in a man’s romantic past. She’s the 1st significant woman that had us wide the f*ck open! We shared secrets, maybe cried, and went raw on a prayer with her. She knows the essence of who we are. We willingly let her in with the intent that she’d be around forever. Alas, she left us battered and emotionally bruised and we put it in a box. We just unintentionally punished the next girlfriend, and the next, never explaining the retreat.

Here’s some hope for women that are dealing with a guy and his blockade; him being closed off is in correlation with how serious he takes you and his relationship with you. Some women tend to be like fools rush in. They feel that tingle when he looks them in their optic nerve and attach a forehead kiss to sound intimacy. They’re further conditioned to express themselves and are more equipped to communicate matters of the heart. Guys aren’t that deep. In fact, to our credit, guys are far more simple in matters of the heart. A man’s love is never complicated. Our purest love is connected to our actions and our respect for you. The payoff is that vulnerability becomes less of a compelling fear. In my experience, you counter a man’s hesitancy with patience. If the natural progression is him consciously choosing to commit long-term, then peeling back his layers will come to be second nature.

If you’re unlucky enough to deal with a really good guy who just had a sh!tty Girlfriend Zero, don’t take his lack of emotional resilience personal. It’s 1 of those things where you may have to do a cost-benefit analysis. If he has more than enough redeeming qualities, tell yourself it does get better and you’ll occupy his heart eventually. And if you are/were a Girlfriend Zero who left a guy wallowing on his ratty ass couch from college, just know there’s a gang of women wishing a plague of locusts on you. I’m kidding…..sort of.

Do you think a man’s layers are hard to get through? Have you ever been a Girlfriend Zero? If you were the woman after Girlfriend Zero, how did you handle your man’s emotional distance?



  1. I think the girlfirend zero concept is a cop-out, that men need to get over it, and they can never complain about bitter women when in fact, if you go by this theory, 80% of adult men walking the US are just as “bitter”. Do you know what they call the “boyfriend zero effect” in women? Baggage. And no man likes baggage, right?
    People act like they never got back on a bike after a fall, never got back into the stock market after a loss, never continued practicing a sport that they sucked at, or that any goal worth attaining wasn’t worth taking a few “L”s over. As a victim of the “girlfriend zero effect” I can tell you, getting thru that layer is not fun, and in most cases, not worth it. Just keep going until you find a person ready to recieve what the hell you have to offer. I am a firm believer that if women took a HARD stance on it the “girlfriend zero effect” would start to change- because if no one would entertain ‘you’ and your girlfriend zero in the sidecar, maybe you would get rid of some dead weight.

  2. I think that is why you should take your time and get to know a person before you start to share with them the intimate details of your life. Besides trust should be earned not automatically given. Too many men and women make the mistake of thinking that a relationship is about other people wanting to listen to their problems. You have those who can’t handle it, some who can’t relate, and those who you will embarrassingly discover just don’t care! I think that I am a very understanding and compassionate person but I do not consider getting in a relationship with someone just to listen to their life’s woes. On the contrary, I have found that men are quite the opposite of what you posted, they dump all of their childhood issues and past feelings about other women on me as soon as we start dating. I find that to be very selfish. My mind is not a trash can and I did not sign up to be your therapists nor am I an outlet to vent your frustrations on. All past experiences can be learned from but if your not ready to move forward you shouldn’t be taking it out on anyone else but the person who hurt you or yourself. I have my own issues yet still I have NEVER done that to a man. I only share what is necessary and somethings in my past are for me to work through and understand alone. As a man or woman you should have a heart to heart with yourself about your issues and either work through them or let it go. I refuse to sit around and waste my sweetness on a man who can’t accept it because he is still bitter.

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