Accept That He Chose Her, Not You

You ever have open like 20+ tabs on Chrome and you’re multi-taking between 5 different yet related things? Your mind is being concurrently spun, drawing varying conclusions and assumptions about 1 central theme or situation. For me, that “situation” was understanding the terms upon which women seek closure. They either seek it in hopes that a man’s mind can be swayed. Or they use closure as a clutch to avoid being honest with themselves and saying aloud “I wasn’t what he wanted. Not now. Not ever.”

1 of my blogger buddies, Jimmy of @personalsfacts, initially covered the rationale of why women should stop seeking closure quite poignantly here and referenced the movie, Young Adult, starring 1 of my favorite Afrikaan Americans, Charlize Theron. If you haven’t seen the movie, here’s a basic breakdown.

Poor guy never saw her crazy coming

* Charlize Theron plays a past-her-prime writer who’s recently divorced, but has pined over her ex-boyfriend since high school.

* The guy she’s pining over is not sand in the hourglass. He’s moved on to marry a woman he adores and they have a new baby together.

* Theron’s character tries every diluted and cliched way to finagle her way back into his life.

* She’s legitimately bat-shit crazy (no, she really is though!)

Women often perceive closure as something they’re owed when the man they thought would be theirs forever has taken up residence elsewhere. Let me try to put it in a basketball analogy. When player becomes an unrestricted free agent, he casually tests the market interest. He knows he’d be okay to stay on his current team and they’re willing to re-sign him. He’ll get offers but ultimately the team thinks they know exactly what will keep him in their jersey. Now when a new team in a bigger market comes along offering not only the money what he wants, but a multi-year deal and a chance to make it past May, the home team’s offer is now chump change to him. Despite the familiarity and the relationships he’s built up on that team, loyalty is now just a word.

If the sports analogy lost you, look at the example of Shaq leaving Kobe in LA to play with D-Wade in Miami. Who won in that deal? (granted that was a trade and not FA situation, but F semantics, b!) What I’m saying is closure is a pseudo chess match that a woman will lose at every single time. Moreover, a woman’s opinion of herself is often self-righteous and very forgiving. In spite of her flaws, she thinks any man, especially that man, would be honored she chose him. But let’s be transparent; the weather changes and friends become strangers passing in the night. At some point, as a woman who wants to maintain some form of dignity, you have to accept defeat gracefully. [don’t be this chick]

I’m pretty sure every woman has been a practice girlfriend. You let a guy, that you were attracted to and saw yourself with long-term, take up substantial time in your life. All the while he was slowing molding himself to be the perfect catch for someone else. Eventually your incessant, unwelcomed pandering for an answer to “why not me” makes you out to be like Bilal from House Party 1. The man has moved on and is trying to do everything right that he didn’t do for you with this new woman. Most guys don’t want to be that d!ck that says “Mooove, chick, get out the way, get out the way”. I know ya’ll say you want honesty, but seriously you’re not going to ever really get to the level of detachment where his explanation isn’t taken as…well…d!ickish.

I realize that any breakup that wasn’t expected and/or mutual is going to hurt. I’m sort of going through it myself right now. It’s a jarring blow to your entire system of emotions when you’re out somewhere 6+ months later and see that same guy who wasn’t ready to settle down/just wanted let things happen overtly enamored with a new woman. You have to find it somewhere in your head that a) maybe the timing wasn’t right and b) she has something you don’t and he likes it. What that “it” she possesses is isn’t your concern. I personally think guys don’t owe women closure. Closure is a little band-aid created by women as means to soften the blow of rejection. The moment you can get to the point where your ability to pick up the pieces and move forward doesn’t depend on him giving the whys and hows of a love deferred, you’ll realize that this little closure thing was all in your head.

Do you think closure is necessary after a break-up? Do you think men owe women closure? Be 100, is there ever any acceptable answer to the “why her, not me” question?

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4 comments

  1. Agh! This is so well said. If to no one else, “To thine own self be true.”

    I love how you said “What that “it” she possesses is isn’t your concern.” As women we get so caught up in the whole “what’s wrong with me?”/ WHY NOT ME?! game. (I’m guilty too and have asked the “why her, not me” question….it didn’t help!).

    -Jo

    1. Thank you for reading and commenting!

      I always tell my female friends, sometimes the 3rd party in your relationship is time. It may seem like a cop-out in the small picture. But hindsight is always 20/20 and eventually you’ll get to the point where you’ll appreciate the timing of a break-up. It’s not always anyone’s fault

  2. I disagree with the author’s opinion on seeking closure. Closure is not the band-aid to soften the blow–Some people just genuinely want to know why a man left them because they seek to improve themselves for the next person.

  3. There are truth in this but this is untrue”You have to find it somewhere in your head that a) maybe the timing wasn’t right and b) she has something you don’t and he likes it. What that “it” she possesses is isn’t your concern ” . There could be a million other reason but bottom line is most likely you just dodged the bullet… i have seen the chosen woman calling the dumpee years later to tell she has never had peace in her relationship… I have seen dumper regretting years later as well..
    Personally I could care less about closure from an ex boyfriend. However, the least you can do is being truthful to someone that had your back… whether it is a friend, a family member. An ex girlfriend is not an animal she is human and has been there for you in the past…

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